Cool Quotes Collection
Black Humor

Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people without killing them use to burn their houses down - hence the expression "to get fired."

Useless facts

From an actual newspaper contest where entrants age 4 to 15 were asked to imitate "Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey":

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth -- that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally -- but I didn't want to upset him.

Age 10

I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

"Deep Thoughts"

Often, when I am reading a good book, I stop and thank my teacher. That is, I used to, until she got an unlisted number.

"Deep Thoughts"

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.

"Deep Thoughts"

British skydiver Alfred Peters collided with a sport plane. Peters broke his foot, while the plane crashed and the four people on board died.

• By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
• The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.
• The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
• Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
• The patient refused an autopsy.
• The patient has no past history of suicides.
• She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
• The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
• The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.

Patient's journals

After an obviously long night he found himself staggering about at home, when that familiar urge suddenly came upon him. In an uncharacteristic flash of common sense he managed to get to his bedroom window before unloading his guts through it. Unfortunately he was standing in the garden, looking in.

Jock Meston
alt.drunken.bastards

"Let others laugh, let others snicker We're all related in our love of our liquor"

Official Poem of the
alt.drunken.bastards

"Well, waking up hung over and snuggled up in bed with the boss's 19-yr-old daughter and having to walk out of the house past his surprised ass at the breakfast table doesn't do wonders for your career."

Duncan Johnson
alt.drunken.bastards

Um, not sure. I just had the most hilarious recollection of this episode on the Discovery Channel I saw with rabbits having sex. Truly a representation of the human experience, the male was humping away, about 300 strokes a minute, while the female had this look on her face that I can only equate with 'I wonder what shade I should get my nails done with tomorrow'. True to form, the male kept on going at it, even up until the point where he fell over to the side, losing penetration, yet still pumping away like mad.

Peter Vonder Haar
alt.drunken.bastards

"It goes a little something like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. The slowest buffalo are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the buffalo the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by beer drinking, making the brain operate faster. The moral of the story, drink more beer, it will make you smarter.. "

An alt.drunken.bastard
explaining the Buffalo Theory

It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

I don't have a drinking problem.
I drink
I get drunk
I fall down
No problem

Scrawled in BIG ANGRY RED letters:
"I FUCKED your mother!!!"

neatly printed in small calm blue letters:
"Go home dad, you're drunk."

Toilet graffiti

If a chick ever complains about being "fat" just tell her you know an exercise that burns 500 calories an hour.. unless she really is fat, then just shut up.

Heard on IRC

According to the 2000 year old Mayan prophecies, the world will end on the 21st of December 2012 (the winter solstice). This is the date where the very sophisticated Mayan calendar ends and the human race will perish. Earth will rebel against mankind which have turned arrogant, ignoring the holy values and disturbing the balance of nature.

Historical facts

Top signs you're a drunken bastard:

• You frequently urinate outdoors.
• You first wake up and you're afraid you're gonna die and a half hour later you're afraid you won't.
• You fall asleep taken a dump.
• You believe that spilling a beer is Alcohol abuse.
• You go to the john to hurl, but you take your beer with you.
• Find its easier to study drunk
• You're on a first name basis at the detoxification center
• Beer ads make sense.
• You wake up to the sound of your dog drinking out of the toilet, and you are so dry that it sounds mighty thirst quenching.
• You wake the next morning and start drinking a few of the half empties left sitting around the room.
• The space on your drivers license that tells your eye color reads "bloodshot".
• You fall down a flight of steps and DON'T spill a drop of your beer.
• You need to take witnesses with you to confession because you can't exactly remember what you did and the priest wouldn't believe you anyway.
• You mix your cocktails by the liter.
• You grow a beard because it stops beer that's running down your chin.
• You put off urinating in hopes of reaching that near orgasmic zen like piss.
• You wake up in the gutter, spit our several broken teeth, haul yourself to your feet, brush yourself off, and think "Shit, this is no way for a Bishop to behave..."
• You explain to your bank manager that you spent your overdraft "mainly on beer and women; the rest I just wasted".
• When the bottle says 20 standard drinks but you only get 5.
• You spell Alcohol with a capital letter out of respect.
• You wake up the night after a party to put your clothes on and there aren't any.
• You find yourself saying "Honestly occifer I only hads tree bears tonight!" while snickering at his funny hat.

Up to 30 times more people are buried in the earth than presently living.

Answers.com

It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail.

Gore Vidal

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